<3 iTunes

My dad reinstalled XP on my computer a few days ago, so I've been reconfiguring a lot of stuff. Today I restored all my iTunes files. Then a miracle happened.

For some reason, I had always assumed that iTunes podcasts cost money, and for this reason had never really cared about that feature. Uhm, I was seriously missing out, because it turns out they're free. All of them. And they're amazing. I was like a kid in a candy store -- I subscribed to way more podcasts than I can keep up with.

Then came iTunes U. Easily the greatest invention, ever. Turns out you can get entire courses on iTunes... FOR FREE. As I write, I'm still downloading. Physics, classics, news, gossip... it's all mine. I'm gonna need a bigger hard drive...

Warp Speed

Time passes at different rates depending on what we're doing. If you're stuck doing something you don't enjoy, you might be clockwatching, and time passes very slowly. If you're doing something enjoyable, it seems to go by much more quickly. Here's how time passes for me:

• Waiting in line -- very slow
• Rush hour traffic -- very slow
• Exercising while already tired -- slow
• Drinking at a bar -- slow
• Reading -- slow
  
• Dancing -- medium
• Exercising while not already tired -- medium
  
• Solving assigned physics/math problems -- medium
• Watching TV -- medium fast
  
• Drinking at home (usually involves web surfing) -- medium fast
  
• Eating -- medium fast
  
• Teaching -- medium fast or fast
• Solving chosen physics/math problems -- fast
• Wikipedia -- fast
  
• Organizing -- near warp speed
  
• Coding -- warp speed

It's the coding that's dangerous. When I start coding, I can literally go 10 hours without eating or drinking or listening to music, and I don't even realize it. I don't think a job as a programmer would be a good choice for me, because my health would go down the crapper. Teaching is a reasonably good choice, because the work day passes quickly, but not so quickly that I'm going insane at the end of the day. I've been trying to think of ways that I could get back into grad school, because solving physics/math problems that I want to solve also passes the time quickly, and it's more intellectually satisfying than dealing with teenagers. Oh, to have the perfect job... what is the perfect job, anyway?

Def.: "Irony"

I LOVE finding things to laugh at while I'm driving, and it isn't usually very difficult, because there are a lot of stupid people out there in the world. Today, I was sitting behind a Ford Explorer at a stoplight on Campbell. It had the following bumper sticker:

"TEACH RESPECT for the earth and all living things."

Now, I Googled it just to make sure, but an Explorer gets less than 20 miles to the gallon.

See, this is what pisses me off. We have all these people running around going "I'm green! I'm so green! Look at me with my reusable grocery bag! And my kid wears organic cotton t-shirts!" Right. And then you drive a f***ing Ford Explorer, you hypocritical soccer mom.

This happened back in '01 after 9/11 -- everyone was soooooooooooo patriotic. Like, if you weren't overly patriotic, you were the antichrist. A friend of mine and I used to walk through the mall and get visibly angry over this, because people weren't being patriotic as a result of how they truly felt, they were being patriotic out of peer pressure. This whole "green" fad is the same thing. Now, I'm not saying being patriotic is bad, or being green is bad. In fact, I think both are good. But if you're claiming to be more patriotic or more green than you actually are, then you're a liar. And lying is bad.

So there, soccer mom.

K-I-S-X-K-C-D (experiments in alcohol)

phaiakia: i was thinking earlier today it might be fun to do a kind of drinking experiment
Mike: to test what?
phaiakia: i have no idea, that's the problem
phaiakia: i need something to test
phaiakia: i just want to do a stupid drinking experiment
Mike: how many beers does it take to make you sing the Captain Planet theme song in front of a crowd of strangers?
phaiakia: i saw a thing where randall munroe solved rubik's cubes at given time intervals during a night of drinking
phaiakia: i was thinking something more along those lines
phaiakia: something graphable
Mike: hmm
Mike: probability of you singing the Captain Planet theme song in front of a crowd of strangers as a function of beers consumed?
phaiakia: well, first of all, the probability would remain constant at zero, because i don't know the captain planet theme song
Mike: well that's no fun
phaiakia: and there would be too many variables
phaiakia: because i am much more likely to break out into song or dance if my friend erik is not present. he gets very angry if i try be drunkenly artistic in his presence
ATTENTION (12:09:06 AM): Transfer complete: Captain Planet.mp3.
Mike: ...we could plot both with or without him present

…

phaiakia: wait
phaiakia: is this about star trek?
phaiakia: because i have an unnatural and overwhelming fear of star trek
Mike: why?
phaiakia: when i was a little kid, i watched star trek with my dad
phaiakia: and later that night, had a nightmare that i was being kidnapped by a big pink alien, you know, the kind that have the princess leia ears
Mike: Ferengi
phaiakia: he like, flew off with me, and there was nothing my parents could do about it
phaiakia: it was the most terrifying dream i have ever had in my life
phaiakia: to this day, if star trek comes on the tv, i will run away instinctively
Mike: you didn't watch Menage-a-Troi did you?
phaiakia: uhm, like porn?
Mike: no
Mike: it's the name of an episode
phaiakia: i don't know
Mike: in which some Ferengi kidnap Dianna and Lwaxana Troi
phaiakia: well, i suppose that would make sense
phaiakia: i was only 5 years old
phaiakia: so i don't really remember, plus i've tried to block it out of my mind
Mike: and I don't know if I should be happy or scared that I correctly spelled "Lwaxana" without having to look it up
phaiakia: lol
phaiakia: OMG! I HAVE A DRINKING EXPERIMENT!
Mike: do tell
phaiakia: well, when i am drinking, i make more typing errors, right?
phaiakia: so i have to correct them
phaiakia: because i am totally OCD
Mike: I can accept those premises
phaiakia: so correcting them takes time
phaiakia: which can easily be measured by my response time
Mike: not so much
Mike: you're measuring two variables
phaiakia: well, not response to your messages
phaiakia: but say it's a message i'm typing
phaiakia: so we measure how fast i type messages when not drunk...
Mike: your time to reply is the word integral of your error rate plus your typing speed
Mike: with appropriate coefficients
phaiakia: OH MY GOD
phaiakia: you are being difficult
Mike: I'm sorry
Mike: I'm trying to help
phaiakia: lol, "difficult" is not an insult in my book
phaiakia: it's a compliment
Mike: oh
Mike: you're welcome then
phaiakia: lol
phaiakia: but you get what i'm going for, right?
phaiakia: measure typing skill when drunk vs. not drunk
Mike: you want to see if you have a typing version of the Ballmer peak
phaiakia: oh, i wasn't even thinking of the ballmer peak
phaiakia: well, i kinda was
phaiakia: my students have decided i'm going to marry randall munroe, by the way
phaiakia: like, they write stuff on my whiteboards.
Mike: Gamo and Randall sitting in a tree
Mike: K-I-S-X-K-C-D
phaiakia: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
phaiakia: OMG, that was amazing
phaiakia: i'm still laughing
Mike: :)

Totally OCD

So, I've always been a little obsessed with which numbers are "okay," and which numbers are "not okay." A very good example of this is when I'm listening to the radio in my car. The volume knob has options from 1-25, but only certain options are allowable in my mind. I can't explain why, but I like some numbers, and others make me very angry. Here are the ones I like (as far as volume goes):

3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21, 22, 25

I have thought long and hard about what the pattern here is, but I have no idea what the pattern could possibly be. I can't imagine that I choose which numbers I like randomly, because I am so intensely logical/rational. There has to be a reason for liking these numbers and disliking others. I need a mathematician -- please help me.

P.S. Thanks to my friend Mike, who not only puts up with my insane ramblings, but also photoshops things for me!

Morals vs. Salary

When you're a little kid, people tell you to do lots of things that will help you when you grow up -- get an education, be nice to others, be responsible, be respectful and considerate, etc. While it's true that there is a correlation between education and salary, I'm pretty sure that the rest of the "advice" we're given is a load of bullcrap our parents and teachers feed us so that we'll behave better.

Now, I'm a generally moral person, so I think that everyone should be well-mannered simply because it is the right thing to do. If we were all well-mannered, the world would just... run more smoothly. But try explaining that to a kid.

So, what happens? Well, often times you get kids who don't buy the whole "you should be civil to one another because it will help you when you grow up" argument and act like barbarians, or you get kids who do buy the argument but find that it's too much trouble fighting the barbarians, who will eventually end up in (undeserved) power anyway.

There are a few who have morals, and end up maintaining their morals throughout their lives, even when they grow up and discover that in fact, their parents and teachers lied to them and society doesn't really value morals much at all. These people usually get paid very little (see graph below).

Bomb Shelter!

The high school I work at has a bomb shelter, which is easily the coolest structural feature it could possibly have. The high school I graduated from was built in (I want to say) 1980, so we didn't have any noteworthy historical relics embedded in our campus. Cue jealousy.

I've known about the bomb shelter since (approximately) the first week I started working here, but have not had a chance to visit it until today. It was AMAZING. It was EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE HOPED FOR.

I would post a picture, but... well... that would ruin the mystery and the mythology which surround our bomb shelter. The few who have had the privilege of visiting it are truly blessed.

Seriously? Seriously.

Have you ever imagined something in your head but never dreamed it would play out in real life the same way? I had an experience like that, and upon waking up, I felt very confused, because I honestly couldn't figure out if it had happened or not.

Then I looked at the stilettos on the floor by my computer and realized it had.

omg! like have a great summer! call me 555-1234

I had two students come to me with entire blank pages in their yearbooks, and a list of bulleted points they wanted me to address when I signed their books. Here's what resulted (inside joke warning):

"Dear J~~~...
Please take this summer to work on your inflated ego. And also to learn how to treat women, because they don't usually like it when you break up with them in a text message. Here's the list of things you wanted me to mention:
* ManCoaster -- 'go big or go home.' I will keep the ManCoaster, so check back next year and we'll see if it held up over the summer.
* The PLRL -- as far as I know, you are still the Plumb Line Racing League record holder.
* The bird -- seriously, who brings a bird into physics? An actual bird?
* Your man crush on T~~~~~f. I am not sorry about this. A man crush does not imply homosexuality, just that T~~~~~f is a very good friend of yours. You know, like Achilles and Patroclus. Look it up.
* Nut Ball -- you are retarded.
* Your nerd voice -- I think the funniest part about this is that your brother had no idea what I was talking about when I asked him to do the "J~~~ voice."
Also, I maintain that you giggle like a woman and that you also have a man crush on S~~~~~. 'Woman.' --Miss G.
P.S. Murderball... the guy in the wheelchair."

"WIKIPEDIA.
S~~~~~, A~~~~~. A physics student who frequently makes unintentional sexual outbursts in class. He does homework in his bedsheets (then leaves it there and uses that as an excuse) and he drinks coffee in the shower. He enjoys reading about pretty much anything that is not related to his physics assignments, including Sealand, which was almost destroyed in a one-man coup-de-etat.
A~~~~~ came up with the term "Captain Gamo" to describe his teacher, Miss G, with whom he shares many strange OCD tendencies, like walking oddly across floor tiles. Though A~~~~~ has a generous vocabulary, he once took a vow of silence against this same teacher. (He also asked G to be a dodgeball referee, forcing her to wear an incredibly ridiculous outfit.)
A~~~~~ is best known for introducing Miss G's 6th period to the loquat, and for getting his finger stuck in the lab desk, a feat which required large amounts of lotion to remedy.
[citation needed]"

I actually did underline all those words in the yearbook to make it look like a Wikipedia article. Obviously I added the links just for this blog.

The good news, and the bad news

The good news is that the student I did all those calculations for got me a gift certificate to Anthony's as a thank you. The bad news is that I have no idea who to take with me to dinner. I'll keep thinking.

In the meantime, there was a great article on the Hills in Rolling Stone, so I'm gonna go indulge in some (very) guilty pleasure online-TV-watching.

Sh**F***.

Okay, a few things:

1. My dad was at my place recently, and he could load reddit on his laptop using my wireless. So... The reddit mystery is back.

2. On Friday, one of my students (a sponsored cyclist) came up to me and said, "I'm riding South Mountain tomorrow, here's a graph. I need to beat 19 minutes and 9 seconds. How fast do I need to be going on each stretch of the trail?" I looked at the graph...
Then I looked at him and said, "Not enough information, buddy." But, in a classic example of nerd sniping, I ended up solving for the problem after school. Essentially, I used the drag & gravitational forces to solve for his velocity during each stretch, and then to get the different split times. I got some pretty good approximations. The race was yesterday... he didn't actually beat the record (neither did anyone else in his category), but I'll be curious to see if the work I did helped at all.

3. After sending my student all my calculations, I discovered that someone actually wrote a program to calculate these things. Dammit.

4. This experience of solving physics problems that I would normally never even dream of solving... well, it seems to be happening a lot lately. And I'm good at it -- basically because I am curious what the solution is, and I don't stop until I've found something reasonable. I think I should start some kind of consulting business. You know, like, "Got random physics problems that you need solved but don't have the patience for? Bring them to me! And pay me." I joke, but theoretically, this could be lucrative.

5. I have registered phaiakia.net and phaiakia.org and claimed phaiakia as mine on myspace. Now, just so we're clear, I have been using the screen name "phaiakia" since I was 12 or 13 years old -- so for half my life. I imagine that this is longer than most people have been using their screen names. However, some jerk has registered phaiakia.com. I am very angry with this person, especially because they obviously have no intent of using their domain name for anything useful. I have two options: A) wait for the page to expire -- which it does on 01/11/09 or B) find a way to hack into it and redirect it to my own. While I like option B much better, I am unfortunately not a hacker, so... I guess I'm stuck waiting. Sh**F***.

22

05/09/08: a day that shall go down in (my personal) history.

Cell phones

When my students get caught using their cell phones in class, I take the phone away until the end of the day. To get it back, they have to write a 100-word paragraph. These paragraphs are usually boring, but one I received yesterday made me laugh pretty hard (note that some of the kids in my 6th period call me "Captain Gamo"):